So when I last posted, I believe it was to tell you that I was incapable of finding my way down a New Jersey street, let alone a Bangkok neighborhood. Luckily, I was rescued by Cory, the Spreadsheet Goddess of Long Island City. Cory and I had similar childhood misadventures, and while they have turned me into a free-wheeling, bus-taking, foolhardy traveler, they have turned her into the ultimate Modern Woman. Cory puts together a trip like nothing I have ever seen. I may ask her to book all future events in my life, just to be on the safe side.
Spreadsheet Item #1: Cory and I meet at the Bangkok airport to fly together to Chiang Mai. This went off without a hitch, since I had accepted the fact I will need to take a cab everywhere, all the time. And it's worth it - the trip from the aiport by multiple buses took 3 hours and cost $2.00. The return trip to the airport by cab took half and hour, and cost $6. Best $4 I ever spent. Cory and I arrived safely in Chiang Mai, and proceeded directly to our lavish colonial estate. Seriously. I spent three days feeling just like Meryl Streep in out of Africa, except without the Academy Award. Or Robert Redford. Or the Syphillis. But we definitely had more prostitutes.
The Chedi Chiang Mai is a teak outfitted, olympic swimming pool owning, delicate candlelight offering, little bit of Thai paradise. I felt like a Communist refugee seeing a supermarket for the first time - the shades are automated! We have a balcony and a foyer! There's a phone in the bathroom! Our hotel guide's name is Oily! And, best of all, breakfast is included at the Chedi. And breakfast involves fresh baked bread and REAL CHEESE. I almost lost my mind. Cheese and I have been parted for so long. We had that one fling at the hotel in Taipei, but that was merely a teaser. I needed serious cheese satisfaction, and the Chedi provided it. Brie, gorgonzola, manchego, and two emmentaler-esque cheeses that struck just the right note of both salt and cream. Cheese, our love will continue to be thwarted for much of the next year, but please, promise you'll wait for me.
Obviously we've also been eating Thai food like it's our job, which at this point it kind of is. I would like to draw special attention to Khao Soi, the unofficial dish of Chiang Mai. You start with a vegetable broth flavored with coconut milk, and then, after simmering it for an extra tasty amount of time, you add two pieces of marinated chicken and wheat noodles. The dish is then topped with a fried serving of the aformentioned noodles. Because noodles are apparently an art, my Khao Soi was served on artist's palete with various accoutrements: shallots, pickled cabbage, sugar, fish sauce, chili, coconut milk, and slices of bananas to cool the inevitable heat. It was street food, comfort food, and also a magical journey into the mysterious capabilities of curry. Oh curry. You and I are going to have a very good month together.
When not suffering the curry sweats, Cory and I took in some of the non-prostitue related Chiang Mai sights: driving up a mist covered mountain and exploring Doi Suthep, one of the most important temples in Thailand. While there we received sacred Buddhist wisdom about what our futures hold, why long hair can be an asset when starting a new religion, and why Lady Monks fell out of favor (strangely, some of the men didn't like women holding positions of authority. Shocking). All of these things were imparted to us by James, our tourguide. He was accompanied by our driver, Mr. Cloudy. James was so much more than your average tour guide. He was, in his own estimation, the tour guide who told the truth. He did not shirk from telling us that Chiang Mai women were so beautiful that wars were fought over them, or that cannibalism is still practiced in Indonesia and Papau New Guinea (roasted Shaman is a particular delicacy). He was also a fount of knowledge regarding local medicines: for example, did you know that you can extract the oils from the horn of a certain type of antelope and "rub on man banana to make big"? Well, now you know.
James and Mr. Cloudy also took us to the Night Safari, where we were able to frolic with Zebras and feed giraffes by hand. It must be said, giraffes are AMAZING. No joke. When a giraffe sticks his head into your safari tram, you best believe that you're going to give him all your bananas and carrots, no questions asked. As wonderful as the animals were, however, they were slightly overshadowed by the Chiang Mai Night Safari Cabaret show that closed out the evening. How can you argue with poorly performed magic tricks, long-haired Thai men on unicycles, racy balloon tricks, and the most appallingly boring interpretation of Gloria Estefan known to man? It was, in a word, hilarious, and of course the appropriate ending to a viewing of noble beasts. You can just see the tigers thinking, "You moronic humans. If we had opposable thumbs we would bust out of these cages, kick all your asses, and cook you up in a curry pot with a side of roasted Shaman". Lucky for us that nature favors the silly.
During the thrilling Gloria Estefan finale, James educated us further by confirming our suspicions as to which of the dancing girls were girls, and which were ladyboys. I will tell you this: the ladyboys were much more committed to their performance, and much better dancers. Just saying. After this James and Mr. Cloudy dropped us at the Monkey Bar, where Cory and I listened to sensitive Asian pop with women who were most likely not prostitutes, but still dressed like them. And then it was back to the hotel to rest up for today's adventure: a six hour trip into the heart of, well, not quite darkness. More like rastafarian twilight. Yes, we are now snuggly tucked away in the Thai jungle. It has occurred to us that neither of us has ever camped. And we're both made extremely uncomfortable by bugs, bats, and snakes. But we will keep stiff upper lips and hike the jungle, visit coral caves, and ride elephants. And get lots of massages. Cause a girl's gotta relax after all this hard vacationing work.
Stayed tuned for the next jungle update - we'll have true tales of scams evaded, and a description of our new cooking skills! Until then, I leave you with this pictorial representation us as bowls of curry. Try to guess who's who.
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